my journal has moved here: to keep up with me, go to:

 

http://www.livejournal.com/users/magdalena_01

So it is Spring Break week here. I had to work until yesterday afternoon. After I got off work, I took a bus into the main city area. I went to the French Quarter and river areas. I walked for hours and could have gone longer maybe. I love walking here. It is mesmerizing. It is a sensory overload.

I had cafe au lait and beignets at Cafe du Monde. I am not a big coffee drinker at all but I tried their specialty coffee. I would have rather had iced coffee. I like starbucks soy lattes so much better, but I can also see how coffee people would like the cafe's coffee - just not really me - a veritable non-drinker. The beignets were delicious. Can't really describe them. They are in a way like a doughnut with tons of powdered sugar on top, but they don't taste like krispy kreme dounuts at all to me. Not that kind of donut. I got one of the best views sitting outside (cafe du monde is an outside setting under a wide awning, such as the cafes in Paris).

I went by the French Market, but didn't stop this time because I arrived in the Quarter just about the time (6pm) that they were closing up.

I passed and browsed tons of little shoppes up and down the quarter. From souvenir to voodoo to bars. There were lots of horse drawn and mule drawn carriages on the square. At the heart of Jackson Square is the Saint Louis Cathedral. There was mass going on inside, but I didn't go in. Just stepped inside the entranceway

and looked in the window of the main cathedral room and watched for a little while. The above image is similar to what I saw while I looked in (though it was night time).

This is Saint Louis Cathedral, outside front:

Again, I did not take this picture and it looks different at night, but one gets the general idea. There is a big clock center and near top and the Haunted History tours start out here. So I was suppoed to meet here at 8:30 pm, but it wasn't time yet so I went wandering some more. You can barely see but on both the right and left side of the cathedral, there are alleyways. One is Pere Antoine alley (left) and right there is the Pirate Alley. I love these alleys. They lead down to interesting little shoppes and then other narrow streets. But most of the area around the square (including the alleys and shoppes in and behind) are cobbled with cobblestone and it all looks very beatiful in an historic, almost traveling back a couple hundred years through time type of way. One of the shoppes I went to from an alley was the Boutique du Vampyre (see below pic):

 

The atmosphere around the square is infinitely interesting and eclectic. From the carriages to the street performers, artists, fortune tellers and palm readers, etc.. etc..

I can identify my place and get my bearings for my surroundings by two things (or three): 1)the cathedral which is the center point for me. From most areas I can see the top spire. 2)the Joan of Arc statue which can be seen from several places:

   

And 3) of course the Mississippi River. Though the cathedral is the easiest for me to identify surrounding by.

I walked to the river several times and I absolutely oved the view and the breeze. I could stay for hours just there. From there I think is one of the best views. Facing away from the square in the back distance and looking out to and around the river - you can see the many tall buildings and skyscrapers in the near distance, the world trade centre, the distinct round glittering aquarium building, harrah's casino, the riverwalk mall and areas, the boats and ships and much more. Nearby is also the riverfront streetcar tracks which I rode for a bit - catching it on it's last run late that night.

I went on the 1 1/2 hour Haunted History Vampire tour. We heard some interesting tales both true and mythical and saw some places where they filmed Interview with the Vampire, Dracula 2000, etc... But all in all I don't think we will go with this tour company again. We did stp near the end at a noted vampire tavern. That was more fun then the tour.

Well I could write sooooo much more, but that is all for now. I think I'll go to City Park tomorrow.

Always,

Ophelia

Talk to me
1. Do you like your voice? sometimes. it's different, people generally like it.
2. What do other people say about your voice/the way you talk? they say i have a cute or pretty voice (as if a voice could be those things?). also generally, i don't have a distinct accent from any region - people can't guess where i'm from. and i usually am articulate in my speech. i like to pronounce my words correctly.
3. Do you use a lot of slang/cursing? yes. lol not in public usually. that doesn't sound very good. but i do curse a bit too much now elsewhere.
4. Do you have a file of your voice on your site? no
5. Are there any funny sounds/words you like to say? i don't think so

Vegetarianism
1. Are you a vegan/vegetarian? no, though i don't eat very much meat at all.
2. If so, how long have you been one?
3. If not, have you ever tried being a vegan/vegetarian? yes
4. If you were a vegan/vegetarian, what food would you miss the most? white meat chicken
5. What would be your reason for going vegan/vegetarian? not so much about animals (although that is a good thing), but because of all the diseases in animals and meat is pretty gross to me unless it is sometimes white meat chicken, fish or the occasional (rare) well-done steak 

New Orleans infamous Bourbon street and the central business district in the background

 

Things are going great. Why? Well, let's see.... I haven't had time to study anywhere near as to what I am supposed to, but my grades are great and work is going good - more challenges, but I sometimes like the added responsibilities. Emanuel is an amazingly interesting person to talk to. I love my advanced Lit. class and everyone in it is very cool. We have the greatest, deepest conversations and debates. We also love quoting history and literature.

I am going back out of state during spring break for several days. I need to get some of my stuff from storage, including most of my electronics.

I am going to city park this weekend and start to explore - since it is so huge, I will probably only have time for one area. Maybe I'll hit the museum and sculpture garden this time. Not sure, yet.

I'll probably also go downtown to the ferry, aquarium and theatre during spring break too, before I make a trip out of state.

Oh, and I've decided to cut out some people from my life - from the past. Those that I no longer consider friends (or a few family members, also) - I can not tolerate selfish, arrogant bastards that are not worth my time. They're just added baggage that I don't need or want. Those special few that I particularly care about and who have proven themselves will be a part of my life. I'm tired of dealing with people that bring me down or have hurt me in some way or are just plain not worth my time, because of their actions at one time or another. Especially now - in a new era of my life. Things change.  

I've been happier lately. Majorly busy... but kind of... almost... ... happy.

Wow, there is so much that I could write but I will stop for now.

love,

ophelia

So... it's been a long time since I last wrote an entry, right? I left off back in December. So much has happened since then. I moved to New Orleans around January 5th/6th. I stayed in hotels for a couple weeks until I moved into an on-campus apartment. It's nice. It has a large gated security entry, a large pool and courtyard and tennis/volleyball court and clubhouse. My apartment is on the second floor - a private apartment, with balcony and overlooks the pool and courtyard. Large, tall buildings are in the distance and it is beautiful at night. I only want to stay at this particular apartment until May.

I started the semester on January 17th. I am taking business administration, an advanced interpreting literature class, a math class and a special topics sociology class: gender and family policies and laws. I was chosen for a student position at the university's mental health and career counseling services. So I work and go to school and between that and getting everything else done - I literally get only a few hours or so sleep a night. Everything is very fast paced and thankfully 1) I walk fast 2) I work well under pressure. It's a totally different pace and culture - from small town, usa to a big city metropolis. For the most part, it's pretty natural for me though.

I've been shopping and I bought a cell phone, things for my apartment, and a lot of clothes, because a lot of my clothes and most everything else is still in storage back home. Well, I say "home" - but this place really feels like home, as opposed to the other.  

The huge Lake Pontchartrain is less than a block behind the apartments. There are pigeons and seagulls *everywhere* - literally. The architecture and in more than several ways - it's like a different country here. Partly european. There is actually a relatively very small strip of land that connects to New Orleans. And if it is flooded - New Orleans would/will be an island. On a side note off topic: New Orleans is the only city in the U.S. where you can drink alcohol down any street pretty much anytime - as long as you have it in a plastic cup. That is the law. And there are drive-up alcohol and daquiri drink places like fast food places.

I just finished a big paper and all of the first exams are coming together at once -- so it's an even busier time for me, trying to squeeze in all of the necessary studying with everything else.

The University of New Orleans is pretty big - with about 17,000 students, plus 2,000 faculty and staff and about a 1,000 visitors at any given time. I sometimes walk to classes, but usually drive. I especially like to walk on campus at night. The library and computer centers stay open pretty late around midnight to 2 am. I get stuck in traffic most days and end up speeding to work. That's how it goes.

There are many foreign students: especially Asian and middle eastern. I like the diversity. There is a beautiful guy in particular, Emmanuel from Morocco who has dark eyes and almost shoulder length wavy black hair - he's a liberal arts major, so he is very into poetry and literature, philosophy and history - such as I am. He's pretty quiet sometimes. I'm not into dating anyone right now, but he asked me to dinner at The Superior. He understands that I would like to just be friends and he is cool with that - in that way he is very laid back. I like talking to him sometimes. He's beautiful, although I don't think I am attracted to him. I'm not attracted to *anyone* now - at least not yet. Besides, who has time for a boyfriend or messy entanglements? Umm, not me. But it's not that way with him: actually, a lot of the guys here are laid back - not serious or pushy - at least the ones I've met so far. Although I honestly can't see myself dating anyone for a while - maybe a long while. But friends are nice.  

It was a major hassle trying to get my immunotherapy serum transferred from out of state. I eventually got it, just in time - I have to have the shots every week. It was a little late, but okay. Although, it was *very* expensive for the transfer, it is essential.

The fitness center here is state of the art and huge. It has won architectural awards and looks kind of like a set out of the show: La Femme Nikita -- very cool and ultra-modern design.

Well, I will write more later. No time for insightful philosophy or introspection right now ---- I do enough of that with my advanced lit class right now.

  love,

ophelia s. drowning

an old poem i wrote a couple years ago that i just found. usually i discard some, but this one i decided to post. it's a mixture of fiction.

soul sacrifice

inisde you is a sadness i can not describe

covered with a pleasure you do not hide

your soul was sacrificed on the altar of eternity

fallen from grace, i wonder if you ever miss your lost purity

do you ever wonder if i wonder what i would have been

had not you given me your treasure wrapped up in the ultimate sin

oh my shaded one, will you forever always fail to see

that you have bought me with the price

... of my soul sacrifice ...

and now i go on as you spin dark dreams perpetually

i can not play the seduction game, will you see eventually

that i must pay your price you bought me for

i can not go through into the enticing dark pleasures of your door

because i have to pay, i have to pay, i have to pay

you have bought me with the price of my soul sacrifice 

 

----------------

Merry Christmas, ALL!

love,

ophelia s. drowning

"Tomorrow" by SR-71

Is it any wonder why I'm scared,
If I was a little younger would I care,
feeling like the walls are growing stronger,
i don't know if this cage can hold me any longer

you never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded,
cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded

i'm not afraid of tomorrow,
i'm only scared of myself,
feels like my insides are on fire, and i'm looking through the eyes of someone else

I never thought they'd want me to go even faster,
never thought i took my foot off the gas,
everybody loves to be in on the pressure,
but i know they're all waiting for the crash

you never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded,
cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded,
things have changed you've become a complication,
can make it through another days
humiliation

i'm not afraid of tomorrow,
i only scared of myself,
feels like my insides are on fire and i'm looking through the eyes of someone else

someone else...

is it any wonder why the answer keeps me petrified ,
is it any wonder why,

i'm scared.....

-----------------------------------------

me - so what am i doing lately? working some, packing some, shopping some, getting business in order some. just basically getting ready to move to the city (of New Orleans). i just found out that i received two MORE scholarships - which totals 4. 3 from the university of new orleans and one from an outside source. i did not even apply for the last two and was surprised that i received more and especially so late in the game. the new semester when i transfer starts on about jan. 17th. new orientation is jan. 10th or 11th.

i've been shopping these last few days. i got a pair of black leather gloves, a white hat and scarf set, black knee high high-heeled boots, calf length black high-heeled boots, a black matching purse with my first initial, a cordless car vac, a couple pairs of boot cut jeans, several tops and today i purchased among other things: a high heeled pair of ankle pointed boots, low heeled shoes/boots, a purple dress shirt, red dress shirt, a lightweight black and satin lined blazer, black dress slacks, and some various other things including some wine.

i got new contacts - the acuvue advanced with hydraclear technology - and a new pair of glasses as well. i've downloaded a ton of tracks lately and burnt and ripped cds. i signed up with the service: www.mymusicinc.com using the limewire program. i am quite happy with it so far. what kind of songs did i download? i have an eclectic taste for music form rock - all forms to classical. i downloaded a lot of nine inch nails, staind, linkin park, poe, london after midnight, some l'ame immortelle, a perfect circle and a whole lot more.  

i would love to be in the city on new years when the ball drops in the square. i am sure it will be fantastic but i will have to wait to be there next new years as i can't tie up all the loose ends to move until about january 5th.

i think i will move out of the city during the summer months and go to another state up north or east and work and play and then come back to n.o. in time again for next fall.

longer later-

ophelia

Nails...
1. Do you bite your fingernails? yes
2. What color polish do you have on, if any? none on nails - crimson red on toes
3. Do you regularly get manicures and pedicures? not now
4. Are your nails short, medium length, or superlong? short right now. usually med.
5. Do you clean your nails regularly? yes

Issues of Controversy...
1. Are you for or against George W. Bush? for
2. Are you for or against Firefox or Internet Explorer? doesn't matter to me.
3. Downloading music: a gift from the heavens or something that should be outlawed? it's a good thing.
4. How do YOU think the gun control issue should be dealt with? everyone except criminals and illegal immigrants have a right to own a gun.
5. Would you ever donate to a charity? (Be honest.) yes. and i do.

Crushes...
1. Hows your perfect guy should look like? well not "perfect" for one. but pretty, perhaps. i don't know either long wavy blonde hair and blue eyes or black hair and brown eyes, tall and muscular but not overly so.
2. Are you shallow when it comes to guys? yes and no.
3. What are you looking(emotionally) for in a guy? someone charismatic, maybe sort of quiet and introspective like me and has an air of mystery or danger. someone that has issues - someone not so perfectly adjusted because they would be able to understand me and mine better. but then again, i've been told that i should have an opposite - to counterbalance me. so i don't know. and it's not important right now. i can't even begin to open up and trust someone right now. so i'm pushing guys away for now.
4. It's trully important to you the fact of what your friends thinks about your crush? no.
5. Are you having a crush on someone right now? hell, no!

I've become numb to a lot of things, but I can not become numb enough.

Therapy doesn't help and pills never use to help for very long. And I can't forget. No matter how hard I try I can not forget my past. Partly because I am still confronted with it and it all keeps getting worse and worse in the present.I seem a grounded, intelligent, calm and sometimes happy young woman. I am anything but. I learned many years ago not to let that facade slip. And anyway I have too many years of practicing this acting and too much pride besides.

It hurts like hell that many people can not imagine-- to know that no one out there in this world cares about you. Not really. Not family - not friends, no one. And even for a time when I think they do -- some people when I've given them all my heart and soul ... I find out that they never really cared and I experience their betrayal again and again. One after another of these people. And it really only hurts so much when it is the chosen people that I have given all of my love and loyalty to. Those that I have never done anything to hurt - those that I always supported in good times and bad, loved them. I guess it is always too much to ask or to *expect* that I will receive the same from anyone. 

If I had known how my life would have turned out - how those countless hours and so many dark, painful, lonely years of hell would be -- well I would not have fought so hard to live when I was a child.

For so very long I've lived with a death wish. And I've come close to death before in the past. But it was never enough. I just want peace. And only so many hours of escape in the form of work, occasional alcohol or social activities so many hours of acting can be used to escape from it all. And every night only I know that I wish with my most fervent wish ... that I will have peace before the morning comes. I hope that by some great miracle I will not confront the next day. But I know that's foolish. It's not going to happen.

I think I will always be alone. And now I can not even let people close anymore. Those rare times that I do I get stabbed in the back for caring for them... for trusting. I used to be called an angel. And when people still look at me they say I look so innocent and have an angel face. Only my eyes at times betray the hurt or anger - a fraction of what I feel. My mother's eyes. Wherever she is at. That is the main thing I got from her. And the hair and the fair skin. That is it. Because she did not give me life. She sent me to hell. And she was too lost in her own unhappiness and madness that she did not know or care. And 'daddy' - well that son of a bitch is the most selfish, inhumane person on this planet. I can't even get into how I despise him now. I gave my love to him once too... no, twice... and he slapped me in the face for it. Or the world did. My reality. It's a wonder to me that I have retained any goodness whatsoever -- not after so many dark years. And yet I still have some. Sometimes so much more than I want to ever admit. it's my enemy. I can care too much, feel too much -- when I need to be numb. Numb so that I can not hurt, can not remember can not feel anymore.

Sometimes I lay in the dark of the bath - no lights anywhere except a sliver of moonlight through the crack in the window and I lay in warm water and close my eyes and so ever still... I almost feel soothed in those moments. It is almost like I am somewhere else. Kind of like a fraction of how alcohol can numb you for a while and before you close your eyes it takes you into oblivion. And in my sleep I die. I die in dreams. I am happy in dreams... sometimes. 

Sometimes I just want what almost everyone else has. I almost want to *be* like everyone else. It's a lonely cold world when you realize you'll never have the one thing you've always needed and wanted.

ophelia s. drowning

I just got off working and am not sleepy, as I am much more of a night inclined person.

Anyway, I read whole lyrics to Alanis Morrisette's Eight Easy Steps song, and it struck me as practically everything pertains to me. This is my "theme song" I guess. lol


How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
How to defer to men in solveable predicaments
How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
How to have that not work and have them run away from you

How to keep people at arms length and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones who supposedly love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

[Chorus:]
I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps
I'll show you how leaderships looks when taught by the best

How to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
How to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite
How to hate god when you're a player and a spiritualist
How to sabotage your fantasies by fears of success

[Chorus]

I've been doing research for years
I've been practicing my ass off
I've been training my whole life for this moment I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you

[Chorus]

How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself
How to numb a la holic to avoid going within
How to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything

[Chorus]

So it's been a long time since I last wrote an entry. I've been busy, busy, not inclined or in the mood to write lately .. oh, and ... busy.

It is my favorite time of year. Autumn is glorious and I am an Autumn type person. Hovering somewhere between winter and autumn with a dash of springtime light now and again. Halloween and New Years are my favorite holidays so Halloween is approaching. I'm supposed to host a block party on Oct. 30th from midnight on. We'll see.

 I tried the imported Tanqueray Gin and I quite like it. As long as it is mixed.

I purchased a new computer. A silver and black to match my black and glass and ultra modern decor and I also purchased a silver and black desk and bookshelf and accessories.

I'm working nights part time until I move to New Orleans in January to begin my Junior year at Univ. of New Orleans. I can't wait for a fresh start. Just what I need. And will I make up a new backstory or keep it fairly veiled? I don't know. But I am going to relish this newness and autonomy.

 Well, this is faintly short and sweet. More later. I will part with a writing I composed in a fairly dizzying state a few weeks ago.

Silver and Silent

"and so i bleed and suffer agony upon agony in this silver drenched escape. and i am silent. while within me it rages."

it's silver and silent

in this sanctuary

dark and a suggestion of moonlight

although ethereal, it's anything but kind

feeling i've lived in an alternate dimension

bordering the ordinary and real

searching for my road to ascension

almost willing to garner a deal

something to take me out

out of darkness, out of doubt

because i'm...

restless and dreaming

breathless and trying

it's not the first time

i've found myself

struggling to seem perfectly fine

alone and without help

laying on a cold floor

a bottle my only friend that's true

floating between this abyss and another door

trying to find what to do

how to deal in this life

when family, love and plans

all prove full of deception and strife

always looking for my saviours' hands

bring me out of this

this darkness and doubt

where i'm...

restless and dreaming

breathless and trying

stroking a bottle near my hand

dreaming of an illusory saviour, my friend

bleeding and crying where it doesn't show

hear now the fluttering of demons -

no one knows,

that have haunted me since the day i was born

all those love, tried for treason

locking my heart behind prison bars

and how deceptively concealed -

on my soul, the many scars

in the future my fate is sealed

but now i'm silver and silent

awash in the glow of moonbeams

alone and quietly violent

repressed and fading ... into dreams

it's silver and silent here

another night that i can deal.

                                  

                                                                                  ~Ophelia S. Drowning

Here is a lesson for those of you that may visit here and not know what gothic/goth is and/or have misconceptions about it or a vague definition at best. And no, I am not gothic. I don't choose to label myself in one way or another. But I've pretty much always identified with some of the idealogy and am more of a 'dark romantic' mind such as the dark romantics of the early 1800's. Here is a great source: Obscure Wonders. One of the pages attempts to define dark romanticism. Gothic and Dark Romanticism are not the same thing, but gothic evolved from it and is a part of it. Basically, dark romanticism is more of the intellectual aspect of it and focused more on the idealogies and way of viewing the world than the material aspects. So yes, I am a dark romantic - but not necessarily a gothic person. Anyway, my first real webpage was titled "black roses" and then several years back, but more recent - I had a large one titled Beautiful Darkness.com (the image above was one of the banners for that particular site). I no longer have this, but I had a section of the site about "what is goth" for a lesson to people who didn't know and for those that considered themselves to be such, to write in their opinions about "what goth is and/or what being gothic means to them." In this journal entry I will post the large article superbly written (by Azhrarn) and a couple old submissions I still had online from people, but first I simply MUST direct you to this hilarious link - I had it linked in my other sites as well. I'm not entirely sure, but you may have to already know some about gothdom to get the hilarious aspects of this. This page I am linking to above IS NOT - I repeat, not meant to be serious but is a sarcastic look on how some ignorantly biased people think of goths without knowing what it really is/was. It is subtle, great humor. And aptly titled. P.A.R.O.D.Y.

love, Ophelia S. Drowning

----------------------------------------

How do you define Goth? This must be one of the most asked questions about Goth. It is also surrounded with the most amount of confusion, hype, and misinformation of any query pertaining to this particular subculture. This might take a while, so get comfy and let's take a peek at what Goth actually is...

Origins of Modern Gothic Culture

Goth is actually much more than the sum of its parts, and, depending on who you ask, you can get a bewildering array of contradictory answers, many of which are valid parts of a much larger subculture. It is more than a label or description. Goth is at once a lifestyle and a philosophy that has its roots firmly embedded both in the historical past and the present.

The central Ideal that characterizes Goth is an almost compulsive drive towards creativity and self-expression that seeks to reach out and ensnare its audience using our current society's covert but deeply rooted fascination with all things dark and frightening. This act can be either subtle and seducing or nightmarishly terrifying, but it must play on what society secretly knows but can not acknowledge to itself about its duality. The mediums of self-expression and creation can be anything from a mode of dress to novels or music. Imagination and originality have always been key elements in Goth.

As a lifestyle, Goth is as diversified as its adherents. There really is no true unifying stereotype or dress code as it were. Not all Goths are depressed, nor do they all wear black, listen to the same music, or employ the same modes of self-expression. This tends to make Goth-spotting a little tricky and creates part of the tangled confusion over what it is to begin with, but this diversity also is one of the defining factors.

So how does one identify a real Goth if they are all so different? Now we reach part of the heart of the counterculture! You see, as mentioned earlier, one of Goth's defining characteristics is the need to take the underlying darkness that is in all of us and bring it into the light in such a way as we can recognize it as what it is-an integral part of all of us, for better or for worse.

To better understand what Goth really is, it is essential to know where it came from. It has been with us for much longer than the label we have given it. This is a subculture that has appeared, flourished, then died, only to rise again in many eras and in many societies. Its adherents have always been the young intellegensia, frustrated and bored by the parent culture. The parent cultures were usually restrictive, highly stratified into rigid caste structures, and intolerant of diversity in schools of art and thought. Because of this, nearly every manifestation of this particular type of counter-culture was greeted with suspicion, hostility, and sometimes active aggression on the part of its parent culture. Only rarely was this brand of subculture welcomed and allowed to flourish, as it was during the Italian Renaissance.

Goth, as we currently know it, has its roots in Western Europe and North America during the late seventies and early eighties. The counterculture was, and still is, dominated by dissatisfied youth hailing from the middle classes, which were at that time just entering a new period of prosperous stability. The children of these newly wealthy were left, unlike their parents, with a strong feeling of instability and lack of identity. They were unable to reconcile the new values their society was trying to impress upon them with their newly fragile sense of self. The tightening lines of social restructure were separating them from their accustomed peers in both the upper and lower classes.

Responding to the confusion and theft of identity, a few of the brightest and most creative children of these newly prosperous families began to create their own social structure. It was a counter culture based on a synthesis of historical elements, leaning heavily on dramatic traditions, philosophies, and schools of thought such as were popular in Byronic England, World War Two Germany, and American Beat. They first dubbed themselves the New Romantics, then swiftly settled on Gothic as the counter culture grew and became more stable.

Always more than a little bipolar in nature, Goth split into two distinct factions, one Appolonian and the other Dionysan in its approach, by 1981 when it had reached its peak. Each faction was a personification of the mixed fear and fascination the Goths felt for the darker side of their parents' legacy of materialism, elitism, and false sense of moral superiority. The difference lay in their ways of expressing their sense of alienation and abandonment.

The more Appolonian faction were mainly concerned with the artistic and philosophical facets of Goth. They were, for the most part, fairly non confrontational in their means of self-expression. They were in most cases all but obsessed with the act of creation and the appreciation of literature, art and music. A number of them attempted to legitimize their subculture in the eyes of the parent culture with very little success. Because they were regarded as harmless, if morbid dreamers, they were tolerated.

The more Dionysan faction of Goth passionately embraced the more hedonistic and sometimes self-destructive facets of the movement. Their contributions to Goth were more ephemeral and less easy to define in traditional terms as creativity, but still were vibrant with the haunted, dark spirit of the counter culture. Some of the more prominent Goth musicians and thinkers belonged to this faction. Being more confrontational in their self-expression, they were regarded by the parent culture as dangerous and undesirable.

The modern stereotype of Goth is a twisted caricature of the more Dionysan faction that captures its decadence and tendency towards self-destruction while entirely missing its subtle artistry and depth, not to mention the entire point of Goth as a whole.

By 1987, both factions of Goth had almost completely vanished, absorbed back into the parent culture as their members were forced to accept conformity to ensure individual survival as adults. A marginal percentage of the original Goth community were able to adapt to adult life remaining essentially and visibly true to themselves, while still managing to keep the income necessary to maintain the rising price of living in the style to which they had become accustomed. By this time, the new generation of disaffected youth had already begun to imitate what they perceived of the Dionysan Goths. They had embraced the dark and dangerous style of dress and felt that the lonely, arrogant music was written just for them. The stereotypical lifestyle was adventurous and daring enough to spark their already bored and world-weary imaginations.

The "kindergothen" were met by rejection and almost knee-jerk disapproval by their parent culture and the remainders of the Goth community alike with almost no exceptions. Those few original Goths who tried to embrace the new groups were usually met with cold hostility and anger by those who had already either been rejected by others or had heard of the rejection. The schism between the Olde School and the new was widened even more by the labels of "Poseur" and "Faux Goth" that were bandied between the sides.

By the nineties, the artistry and philosophy that drove the Goth culture had been by and large replaced with attitude, posturing and dress code. The few remaining Olde School Goths and their protégés had gone underground and were not a part of the new rise of Goth, refusing to have much to do with what they considered shallow, inarticulate upstarts that paid to much attention to what the media thought was Goth. They saw the new Goth as little more than a group of image driven drug addicts that had nothing better to offer than a dress code and a bad attitude. The New School's opinions of the originals wasn't much better.

In the last few years, both Olde School and New have embraced the Internet. It has become both a medium for self-expression and a battleground between them. Oddly enough, the advent of easy access to the W3 has revealed in the New School an increased drive towards the creativity and self-expression that the Olde School Goths hold in such high esteem. The New School Goths, or Goffs as many of them have begun to call themselves, have become more like the originals than either side of the schism seems to wish to admit. Hopefully this trend will continue to thrive on the Web, bringing fresh blood and a new outlook to Goth's grasp on the dark undercurrents of our society's imagination. After all, the sweetest of flowers always did have a tendency to rise from the darkest and least savory of soils.

1.What is Goth?

Ignoring historical references to European barbarian tribes and, architectural, literal and art styles, Goth is a subculture. It started in the late 1970's both in Europe AND the United States OUTSIDE of the club/music scene. The culture was comprised of INDIVIDUALS with very little in common but their artistic drive, insatiable curiosity, extreme intellectualism, and the socially unacceptable need to be and express themselves. In a nutshell, Goth is very much like 70s Punk with a brain and good manners. (In other words, it shares the underlying feeling of disgust and seperation from normal everyday culture that the 70s Punks espoused, but expresses its alienation and disenchantment with modern society and it's values in a more intelligent and less destructive manner.) The label Goth itself is very much a discriptive reference to the literary genre and architectural style both of which characterize and evoke the mood and to a certain degree, mindset that is generally idealized by modern Goth as a cultural group.

2.How do I become Goth?

I hate to break it to you, but Goth is not something you can just learn. Gothic people grew up that way. Most people do not have the genuine sense of wonder, creativity, talent, open-mindedness, and appreciation of the duality of existence, nor of themselves and their abilities that makes a person genuinely Goth. While some of these things can be learned over the course of years, most of it can only be emulated. To emulate something strongly implies that the action is neither original nor genuine. That is just not Goth.

3.How do I know if I'm Goth?

This is a VASTLY more reasonable question. It's sort of odd and sad at the same time that a lot of actual Goths don't know that they are. This is unfortunately the work of massive media stereotyping and misinformation from ignorant but rather noisy wanna-bees. It seems that the bulk of available information on Goth comes from those two sources. Never mind that.

If most (10 or more) of the following statements are true, it is VERY likely that you are Goth. If the first statement is false, you aren't Goth. No, not even if all 16 of the rest are true. Of course, you would be readily accepted and most welcome amongst Goths for your strength of individuality and ability to appreciate the culture in general and themselves in particular.

You feel the need to spend a lot of time creating things (music,
art, poetry, philosophies, stories and the like)
Your creative efforts are often described as dark, shocking, scary, morbid or strange
You like museums and cultural centers
You understand and even enjoy Shakespeare, Shelley,
Browning or some other similar work without having to read the
Cliffe Notes
You know the difference between nihilism and existentialism,
even if you don't really live by either
You really, truly enjoy music of many kinds
You are a very sensual person (aware of color, texture, sound,
taste and scent)
You don't understand why the people around you spend so
much time watching TV
You don't feel comfortable looking just like everyone else you
know
You do feel comfortable just being yourself, even if no one else
around is anything like you
You wonder "why" a lot, and come up with some interesting answers
You wonder "how" a lot, and often figure it out on your own
You don't just reject something because you don't understand it
You base your opinions of people on who they are and what
they do rather than what they look like
You are not afraid of the unknown
You are not afraid of the dark
You are afraid of mediocrity

4.Laura Lemay says that to be Goth I have to be angsty and wear a lot of black. Is this true?

NO. Black and angst are not necessary to be Goth. True Goth defies stereotyping and does not adhere to dress codes. Too much angst or other negative emotion stifles a person's ability to learn, think, and create. Most actual Goths are psychologically pretty well-adjusted people. They just have a different set of cultural and social blueprints than your average person. Ms. Lemay knows a lot more about web authoring than she does about Goth, even if she refuses to practice good web design on her own personal site. But she DID get one thing right when she said,"Try not to take yourselves so seriously." Granted, that's a little out of context, but it's good advice just the same.

So, this brings up a whole new can of worms...the most common tidbits of juicy misinformation about Goth. In almost two decades of watching people's perceptions of Goth, I have found that never has there been so much inaccurate information as there is now. It's time to break out the hammer and start banging. Let's take a look at the most commonly distributed misinformation about Goth, shall we?

Ten Gothic Stereotypes We All Love To Repeat

All Goths must wear black. Color is not Goth.
Goth is a subculture based on a musical style.
All Goths listen to the same music.
All Goths are fixated on death.
All Goths drink a lot/do drugs.
Goth came from the hippie movement.
Goths don't laugh except to mock others.
Goths all have tattoos and piercings.
Goths always wear a lot of makeup.
Goth and Freak are interchangeable terms for the same culture.

I know that a lot of so-called "Goth" people accept these things to be facts. I see it on the Web and I see it on what passes for a scene. I also know that this list of statements and quite a few others like them are just so much bullshit. So what is the truth? Here, let's go back through that list and correct things, eh? You might be surprised, or you might be another Olde Schooler, in which case, you'll be greatly amused.

All Goths must wear black. Color is not Goth.

I can see where this one might have some heavy support, since the scene is filled with cookie-cutter, black clad people who generally avoid the few daring individuals who might wear white, or gods forbid *gasp!* include color in their wardrobe. This lack of individualism strongly suggests to someone who doesn't really understand Goth that we have a uniform look or worse, that we are conformists. What people fail to grasp is that most people on the Goth scene are either skin-Goths (poseurs), demi-Goths (people who might make fine Goths if they could just get over what other people thought of them) or second and third generation Goths who just honestly never had any contact with other Goths who knew what the movement is all about. This is one of the things that created the paradox of a culture that was based on individualism and creativity but just the same had a rigid conformist dress code. Truth is, Goth is rabidly individualistic and we wear whatever we damn well please. Color is not an exception. You just don't recognize us when you see us outside of the stereotype.

Goth is a subculture based on a musical style.

I can also see how a lot of people might get this impression. A lot of otherwise decent sources of information on Goth and its more recent history offer this myth up to us as fact. It may even very well be part of the truth for some Gothic orgins in some parts of the world, but it is predated by the emergence of Goth as culture rather than Goth as musical genre in America (at the very least). The media (read record labels and associated musical rags) started this, and I find it disgusting that so many people feel the need to perpetuate this myth that the musical genre started Goth as opposed to Goth starting the genre. Many sources including the Usenet's alt.gothic group even go so far as to say that the actual cultural origins of Goth were a later fable added after the supposedly music-based trend happened. This is absolutely false. Before there was a so-called Goth sound, we had dropped the title of New Romantics and firmly settled on calling ourselves Gothic. The culture pre-dates the musical genre by a good two years. I should know. I was there. Honest.

All Goths listen to the same music.

Yah. Sure we do. Actually that's not highly likely. Even the skin-Goths have a semi-diverse musical taste. This is one of those ridiculous stereotypes that is glued onto every single culture that exists. It is true of none of them, and is just as untrue for Goths. I won't waste any more breath on this one.

All Goths are fixated on death.

Okay people. Repeat after me: Goth is not about death. Good. Now go to your local institution of higher learning and enroll in art history and English lit classes. Learn about symbolism and metaphor. Maybe take a few philosophy classes. This stereotype is usually caused by being uneducated or ignorant. Goths are by and large more fixated on the concept of beauty as an abstract, creative endeavors (both their own and those of historical origins) and simply trying to get ahead in a society that doesn't share their individual aesthetics, values and principals. If you have a decent fine arts education, an ounce of perceptiveness and know the difference between a real Goth and a skin-Goth, you know that Goth, while often dark and eerie, is NOT obsessed with death. Regular American culture is.

All Goths drink a lot/do drugs.

I realize that this is a pretty deeply ingrained idea about Gothic culture, but it's wrong. Goths are not all completely cleancut, sqeaky-clean sober types, but we aren't all into drugs. Granted, most young people go through an experimental stage with sex and drugs, and the bulk of Goth is made up of young people, but let's face it, Goths don't do any more drugs than your average person. Drugs aren't a requirement in being Goth, even if there are a lot of irresponsible people out on the scene who are hellbent on telling you otherwise. We have a word for those types. Maybe you've heard it...Junkie. Just remember Goth does not equal Junkie.

Goth came from the hippie movement.

This is more media stereotyping. It is also completely false. Goth has nothing to do with the hippie movement. There are no similarities either. Alt.culture has a really interesting but completely inaccurate write-up on Goth that mentions this, and people are entirely too fond of repeating this rancid little tidbit of misinformation. I'd like to say STOP IT right now. Just cut it out. Goth came from neither Hippie nor Punk. If it came from anything at all, it was a new outlook on Beat.

Goths don't laugh except to mock others.

Most Goths have a well-developed sense of humor. Certainly we don't all laugh at the same things or make the same kinds of jokes, but that is a given, isn't it? It seems that a huge number of people that claim to be Goth also claim that we don't share in the common human arena of emotion, but common sense alone should tell you that this is, like so many other things, a posturing load of unmitigated bull. Yes, I know that there are flocks of people who claim to be Goth that will demonstrate personally and in the most uncomfortable fashion that we are nasty, sociopathic bastards who live to laugh at your misfortunes and will excuse their unacceptible behavior by claiming that it's the Goth way of acting. I'm sure you've seen them in IRC and Usenet and that they seem to be the unpleasant majority, but if you take a few minutes to think, it may become apparent that at least online there are entirely too many people claiming to be something other than they are and that people in general (online and off) are frightfully nasty towards one another if they feel that they can get away with it. Sure, we Goths have a different view of things socially, but then again, so do the Japanese, and no one accuses them of not ever laughing non-maliciously. Do they?

Goths all have tattoos and piercings.

More stereotyping. Tattoos and piercings have become very trendy these days. Stereotypical Goth has also become very trendy. So you are going to see a lot of skin-Goths running around with a lot of very obvious tattoos and piercings. You will also see a lot of Ravers, Rednecks, Indie Kids and other people who have nothing to do with Goth running around with tattoos and piercings a-go-go. You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce that one. Just remember, Goths are individuals. We will do what we think looks right on us, and if having no ink or metal imbedded in our skin feels right, we will do with or without and still be indisputably Goth.

Goths always wear a lot of weird or scary makeup.

No, not at all. This, again, goes back to the central idea that Goths are individuals and all exercise their own judgment on how they feel like looking. Sure, makeup is pretty cool, and its application can be a fun pre-outing ritual, but again, it is far from necessary.

Goth and Freak are interchangeable terms for the same culture.

This is ridiculous. It is almost as silly as saying that grunge kids and rednecks are the same cultural group. Sure, there may be some similarities in the stereotypical outward appearance to the grossly unobservant or the painfully ignorant, but it is still radically untrue. Anyone who would ever mistake one for the other after observing for a few minutes is either blind, high, or completely unaware of the actual social and ideological dynamics of both groups. I am thinking that if we are going to continue to live in a society that needs to categorize, stereotype and label, that perhaps we should more carefully analyze the people and things we are labeling before we slap a name on them. Don't just call someone something because they look a certain way. Visual stereotyping is a terribly inaccurate method for classifying people in real practice these days. Most often you will be wrong, and vastly poorer for it.

So, hopefully some of this has made some sort of impact on some of you. Maybe you might even be a little more interested in Goth as a culture and individual Goths as people with something more meaningful and valuable to contribute to both society in general and yourself in particular than bad attitude, poor taste and drugs. Who knows, you might even realize that *you* are Goth. Or that the black-wearing scary kids who have been giving you a hard time because you can't recite every album produced by Christian Death before Valor took over aren't anything but trendies, bullies or jocks.

Or maybe not. Maybe you ARE one of those T B or Js, trying to impress your loser friends by pretending to be something exotic that you don't understand.

The rant is over. Stay beautiful, stay graceful, and stay you.

this information written by Azhrarn

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And here are a couple people's opinions:

Morbid love aka TodeHexe, he says...
Gothism to me means so much more than a dress style, hair look,
and social group.. it's true feeling of the world that exists around
you, the abnormal things that people pay so much attention to don't
even catch a glimpse of your eyes. When I see a gothic webpage,
i am fascinated by it.. Gothic beauty comes from the darkside
of life for all instance, when a person creates a work of art from
darkness, they are delving deep into their subconcious and bringing
out. A love for death and dark, a true goth does not need this.. they really just need the love for damned human culture, the odd and the forgotten. History is a big thing to people, because it is culture.. in the early ages people were afraid of vampires, they made myths about them and all of society feared them. Maybe goths want to be feared, they see themselves resembling closely to the vampire art/myth. I think being
gothic is a choice of life.. when you make a desicion to become a
darker person, (and sometimes you don't make a decision - but are dragged kicking and screaming into darkness) it does not fade with age.. it fades with beliefs. I have personally been through a depression stage, it does not bring me closer to being a goth, nor farther away, it is a part of life that everyone has. Be it a stage or a low point in one's life. The love of death and darkness truely is an extra to being goth, when one
see's a thing of beauty then they cannot deny that they find it tasty
to the eye.

visit morbid love's home

+ - +

Sierra Simone says...
If you are a true goth, you are gothic always. It comes from within first
and foremost. You could be away from all people and be in a darkened room alone with your thoughts and you know you are a goth at heart. No matter if anyone is around to confirm your status, or any one see's you dressed "gothic" what matters is how you feel and how you relate to the world. All the 'frills' so to say... the clothes, social gatherings... any and all of that is just that...the trimmings, the extra. Unfortunately alot of poseur wannabe goth's that give the real bonafide one's bad names in the media or anywhere in the world... most of them all care about the "look" first and foremost, and sometimes that is all they care
about. It makes me sick when I see how the media portrays gothic people. I mean, a person walking down the street whom you would never suspect.. just an ordinary looking person could be a true goth. *Not all goth's are violent black clad unemotional people.* In fact many true ones are not. The most I think it matters for a person to be dressed in typical goth fashion *if* they want to- is when we are looking specifically for other's of our kind to meet, for identifying purposes. Otherwise it is not of the utmost importance. Every true goth that I have met (myself included) are very creative and intelligent people. We are not afraid of death, the dark or the 'boogeyman'. (We have faced darkness whether intentional or not and therefore can not be afraid of anything that the norm fear.) That is bizarre to normal people. But alot of "normal" people seem bizarre to me. How many of them hide their heads in the sand and ignore truths and logic and science?

Pills

by Primer55

i think it's time to fade away
from all the shit inside my head
i go instead, to a beautiful place
you know i'll find it.
i've tried so hard to stay away
far away from all these days
that never change
and with these things that

[chorus]
make me take those pills
amputating my emotions
make me numb so i don't care
keep checking my vitals
still no sign of life in here

let the sedation take the place
of all pain from myself
there's nothing left
and now and then i'll hide behind it
it's in this place i try ti stay
far away my life has changed
and everything is fading into grey

give me room so i can breath
the walls keep closing in i'm feeling
clostraphobic, increase the dosage
so i can feel alive again
don't wanna feel sober, don't wanna feel pain
i really don't wanna feel the emptyness, the stress
and all those things that make me take those pills

from Blog Ideas:

"What is the best compliment you've ever received?"

Actually something similar from two people within the last few years. "Do you realize how much anyone would be so proud to have you as their daughter?"

sigh.

So many people have given me compliments at different times. They usually don't/can't mean much to me, because I don't really understand - or at least I didn't... that how people actually like me. My family didn't even love me. Except in a twisted, possessive way. But two ladies I met while at college - gave me the compliment in about the same words at different times. Actually, many people over the years have said how "Your parents must be so proud!" And blah blah blah. But I didn't really believe them, because yes - my family brags abouts me to other people - not to me and only when it makes them look good.

Both of these ladies are genteel, professional people with wealth and families. The first one is older - a real southern belle of an older lady, whose husband is dead and has one son that is grown and out of the house. We met at one of my classes at college - a computer class, and I helped her with some things. We got to know each other and she said she always wanted a daughter. Hers died as an infant and she said how proud my mother must be and so on. Yeah well, I never really told her my situation and how much I was not valued. She wanted to adopt me - me, as I was 19 when we first met. She said she would have given anything to have a daughter like me. And then the other lady, Sandra, was a former professional that eventually was in an accident and became partially blind. We first met at college as well. She had two handsome, young - but grown boys. And we went on a few similar trips, she gave me some smart advice and we were in the same circles. She always adored me. And she said how she'd love to say that I was her daughter. "How your parents must be proud! They must love you to death." Yeah. Sure. More like... unto death. But like with everyone else, my pride just wouldn't allow me to really divulge and to tell her my real situation. When we were in Washington D.C. on a group trip for a week back in March, we shared a hotel room and with another lady - everyone commented on my two "surrogate mothers" for the trip. It seems I bring out the maternal instincts of a lot of people. Fancy that. I mean, I never really had a family. I secretly envied families in general - not the least of which, my former best friend and even my sister (wherever she is at) - she was adopted by a loving, wealthy family. Wealthy not being anything, though mind you as I've known prosperity growing up and I've known poverty and all manners inbetween. But you see I was never allowed that. Love, family.
Anyway, in D.C. Sandra and I would have long conversations while we drifted off to sleep - I gave her advice on her youngest son who was very troubled now and she was so worried. It all related back to father issues. We talked about many things. And I found out that a childhood friend, Tanika, who had come from a not very good family - Sandra had taken her in as part of her family, when they met after she was in highschool. And for a moment I was envious. I remember Tanika. I lost touch after 7th grade, but it was ironic this connection - even she got to start over. Even she had love and... yes, family. I have been cursed always to never have this.

But these two ladies, though they could never know how much I have suffered - or my real situation, below the facade - I got a taste of what it would have been like to have had a mother. A normal, loving ...mother. And a family. It hurt afterall. Because I knew I was not a part of it, no matter how much either of us would perhaps wished it.

So that line struck me. That has been my biggest compliment. It stunned me to hear it coming from someone - and yet, it has never come from the people that I wished it would have. What have I always wanted...

Love.

Real, not possessive or neurotic. A Family.

Some Daily Dirt Updates...

When I was younger...
1. What is your earliest memory? My very earliest: I was crawling up some stairs and looked into the first door on the left which was partially open. Mom (aka my grandmother) was sitting at a vanity dresser in a bedroom putting on lotion and getting ready to remarry my grandfather, whom I knew as 'dad' for half of my life. I remember the navy blue container the lotion was in and that it was almost the color of her suit and that she smiled when she saw me and held out her arms to me. She looked so beautiful, so radiant. She was my world. I never saw her happier or as goddess-like. Growing up, she was a very different person. I never could have comprehended her psychological maliciousness or how truly awful my life was going to be. For that day, in the mansion it was beautiful and all was huge and new and sparkling. I walked for the first time that day.  Oh yeah - and when was this memory of mine? It was my first Christmas.
2. And how old were you? 11 months old
3. Who was your first friend that you remember? my cousin, Ashley - we were more like sisters when we were quite young, because she was only a year and a half younger than me and she didn't have any siblings most of that time and I didn't grow up with mine.
4. Who was your first elementary teacher? Mrs. Judson
5. What did you miss out on the most when you were younger? A real family. Real love  - unconditional love. Normalcy.

Bathroom...
(this Q&A is kinda creepy...) ...
1. Do you fold or scrunch your toilet paper? scrunch
2. Which body part do you wash first in the shower? face
3. How often do you take a bath? every day of course!
4. How long do you take in the shower and/or bath? half an hour or more
5. Soap or shower gel? bath wash

Sticky Topic Alert: Religion
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
1. What basic religion are you? I was raised as a christian, but I am agnostic. I do not associate myself too much with organized religion. I agree more with Judaism, by the way.
2. What denomination/sect/etc are you? n/a
3. How do you feel about evolution? I totally believe in evolution - but to varying degrees/theories.
4. What do you think of Wicca & Wiccans? I have dabbled and I appreciate it. It's beautiful and unique. Not against it in the slightest.
5. Do you like Greek/Roman/Norse or Native American mythology better? I probably should say Native American as I have some ancestry, but I like Greek best... and some Roman, though they just copied from the Greeks to a large extent.

So weird…
1. Ever met someone weird? weird as in how? yes, many different varieties of 'weird', actually.
2. How about eating weird stuff? i am picky about food, so the 'weirdest' i've eaten was frog legs. my date made me try them and other such foods. 
3. What's the weirdest incident you've encountered? too many. i don't know what is meant by weird in this context - paranormal or creepy or what?
4. Weirdest stuff you've seen? people and their behaviors that are a total disgrace to the human race.
5. Are you weird? i'm different.

TV Show Battle...
1. Which is better: Roswell or Smallville? Smallville
2. La Femme Nikita or Alias? La Femme Nikita, no comparison. The other was a partial knock-off lacking the depth, complexity and oh, yeah - the characters' uniqueness that LFN had.
3. One Tree Hill or The OC? One Tree Hill. Never watched the other. Don't want to.
4. Xena or Hercules? Xena
5. Angel or Buffy? Angel

Altered states...
1. Do you drink alcohol - if so, what are your favorite drinks? yes. i like mixed drinks, not usually drinks served 'neat'. my favorite is the blue valiums, whiskey sours, white russians and green apple pucker shots.
2. If you drink & have been drunk - tell about one of those times.  i'll save this story for another time. the first time i drank and got drunk. it was a devastating time in my life and i consumed more than healthy amounts of vodka... waaay more than healthy amounts.
3. Have you used drugs? If so, what ones (or is it a secret?) ? yeah, prescription - anti-depressants, anxiety, etc. though not anymore.
4. If you haven't tried any - would you? If so, what ones would you consider? as far as narcotics go, i may be open to trying them. depends on which ones. ghb or e, yes - heroin, no.

Naming game...

1. Do you like your name? Why or why not? Yes, because it is pretty and of french origins, also unique, esp. my last name.
2. If you could change the spelling of your name, would you? And what might
you change it to?
3. If you could change your whole name, what would you change it to? i wouldn't
4. What girls' names do you like? victoria, catherine, sarah, elizabeth
5. What boys' names do you like? tristan, julien, gabriel, alexander, michael, lucien

Love, Ophelia S. Drowning